Temperance
As a preteen in the 90s
I was given twenty bucks to buy food for two weeks
And if I wanted to eat any more than that
I had to beg
Not in the streets, my parents
Unresponsive and icy in the TV din
There was food in the house but it was Theirs
My mother called this “learning how to budget”
My father “didn’t want to get involved”
So I learned how to steal
I learned
To stab a wooden fence over and over and over
To draft curses of incredible darkness on torn diary pages
And burn them to ash afterwards
I never cried back then, what I did
Was place my hands upon my chest
Late at night in bed
Once I was so tired I’d fall asleep quickly instead
Of repeatedly flinching awake at the threshold of unconsciousness
Gripped with dread
Arms crossed, fingers spread
And concentrate on every good thing I wished for everyone
Internally recite an exhaustive list of everything I ever loved
Live or inanimate, account balances
As an adult, a woman approached our table
At the best Taco Tuesday in town, she said
That she didn’t mean to intrude, but she’d seen me around
And just loved my energy, my style, that I was so free and full of light
Had this welcoming aura
Very Divine Feminine
I thanked her of course, so kind, it meant a lot
My mother snorted derisively once she was gone
And said “Well she doesn’t know you, you’d kill a man”
“You were such a sweet baby”
“I don’t know what happened”
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Lust for Creation
My favorite toy
Besides the Precious Metals and the Easy Bake
Was a set of molds that allowed me to make
Every unit of a medieval kingdom
And fold-out terrain in which to construct buildings and thusly populate
Not that I adhered to a historically accurate system of governance
Well, unrecognizable to the Greco-Roman or Arthurian traditions at least
I would turn my entire room into Cities
Divide every single one of my highly diverse creatures and beings
Based on their imagined functional traits
Into, essentially, ecosystems or an interconnected web of biomes
Developed individual cultures that made sense for each of them
Then imagined how they’d react to discovering each other
Potential conflicts, who eats what, resolutions, alliances, and trade routes
But most importantly
Who would fall in love against all odds
Who says a donkey can’t get down with a triceratops
And all around the yard and neighborhood
I made little shelters and houses
Just in case anyone needed them
Just because I was “big” and I had hands
For who?
No idea
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Queen of Wands
We never had cable
Or any of that, just as well
Because unless my friends and I were copying dance moves
Those music videos were always a huge disappointment
Compared to my constant and elaborate internal stream of genesis
Your creative director is a dunce, who tf is making these decisions
Mood Bored
And don’t even get me started on the women
I wanted nothing to do with whatever the fuck all that was about
Not on the screen, not in the school books, not in fiction, not in real life
Literally the only time I ever experienced Representation
Was when my brother came home for the summer
And introduced me to Grace O’Malley
And I was like now THIS I understand
Not that I knew what Irish meant at the time
She was a woman with many enemies and a big appetite
Born to a bunch of bullshit nonsense
Trying to live her fucking life
Making decisions I could respect
Only woman I ever read about where I could say, 100%
I would have done no different
I used to imagine stowing away on a ship
All I was stranded in the landlocked Mojave Desert
And my sister and I bonded
Over a particular book from the Scholastic fair called
Pirates!
(The exclamation mark is part of the title)
Half sisters from different social circumstances, different worlds
White, black, rich, slave
With matching ruby earrings leaving everything behind
After killing to protect each other in self defense
Battles, jungle, hijinks, cursed gems, crazy suitors, fucking Spaniards man, sisterhood etc.
Well you can guess what wasn’t an option on career day
So I started a fight club behind the church
Girls!
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Empty Nest
Your nervous system does this super fun thing
Where, if you’ve known nothing but spiritual, intellectual, and/or literal starvation
And hostility
It’ll wait until after you escape
And find safety
Lol
To hit you with the emotional backlog
Which is double suck if you have ruthless reality testing
And flatly refuse both drugs and religion
And have no healthcare
Every course is a collision course and you cannot afford an ambulance
So, you know, watch out for that
You become a black mirror people prefer to keep shrouded in a room no one uses
A party trick on Samhain
They don’t want you around too long
I was always baffled, growing up
When friends would say I was the strongest person they knew
When asked to write an essay in class
About their greatest hero
A teacher once said, “You know, he wrote about you”
I declined to read it, I was too embarrassed
Didn’t make sense then, and it still don’t
They all Made It Out, established themselves, broke the cycle
But if you never see them again, sometimes
That means you’ve done your job
A nightmare at dawn
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Left-Hand Path
Ironic participation is just complicity
Society is shallow, materialistic, and unforgiving
You can’t put Dark Night of the Soul on a resume
They want you compliant, heavily medicated, distracted and entertained
Your satire falls flat, intentions are irrelevant
And when you really, really don’t look your age
Lack milestones and credentials
For doing the kinda work you don’t get paid for
That never gets done when you’re a “success”
Not when you bask in the sun and applause
The public often mistakes the apathy of unbothered privilege for strength
Or else a dipshit bully’s white collar cowardice dressed in academic jargon
Impressed upon his importance
So they won’t recognize what’s behind grays and a smooth face
The gravel and the gutter and the gravitas of a late spring
Pale trunks where last ditched efforts with eyes wept witness
The sap isn’t so sugared as aromatic and complex
Hushed, still, luminous shadows dappled, you’ll forget
You’ll forget
Flash
Betulin brightly burning in the rain
Expect constant, subtle condescension
You’ve survived what most people wouldn’t, congratulations
Where’s your alma mater papers of participation
“I worked every type of shitty retail job until I found one I liked”
Yes, I know, you forced our entire family to stay here so you could watch porn all day in your IT office
I found the hidden hard drive
Men
Not that She claimed any aspirations
Beyond TV and cigarettes
“Selfish” and “evil” were among Her favorite projectiles
Your mother is your first mirror
And you can ether accept that reflection
Or become a spiteful ghost in your own home
Be someplace that’s else
The first forest I ever saw was Coastal Redwoods
We had small summer vacations because they had boomer jobs with unions
Which no longer exist
Every time we returned
I sank deeper and deeper into myself
There was a price
To be the sort of person who thrived in that environment
And I refused to pay it
I don’t want to play your game, it’s bad
I don’t think that you’re my friend
I don’t think you’re very good parents
Asynchronous development
Bought some funny pebbles in a pouch with a brick of hastily printed text, ribbon cinched
Off a funny biker at a yard sale when I was young
With a Jolly Roger in his trailer window
And a huge, healthy, fertile mulberry tree in his front yard
I learned there’s a tune called Tiwaz
That stands for truth, justice, discipline
Sacrifice, commitment to a straight and narrow path, the North Star
Binding oaths
And also, curiously, true love
Protector of warriors and mariners
Of the broken, forgotten, and disabled
See in order to bind Fenrir
Tyr broke his promise to the wolf
And lost his right hand, which he had placed in its mouth
Thus rendering him useless in his chosen profession
He would never fight again, and so
His position is about faith
Wisdom, leadership
Something greater than yourself
I swore on Redwoods
About what?
No idea
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Budget Break
Christmas Day through January 1st in NOLA
The first vacation I’ll have had in five years
At my own expense of course
America
Gotta remind myself, make mental note
I don’t really “look forward” or “get excited”
I just do things and don’t rub my hands about it, memory in advance
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop
It is not the responsible choice
Order of operations on the property are clear brush, lay foundation
Affix small cottage on skids for “permanent” status, shipping container, run electric
That’s just so there’s a roof over my head
While I build the main house, learn my flora and fauna extant
My myself
Turns out you have to actually live someplace there’s a forest
If you wanna become an arborist
Wow, crazy right?
My compromise with my inner child
Who said she wanted to be a marine biologist when she grew up
Before she knew that wasn’t an option
For girls like her
How ’bout nurse, EMT, cop, firefighter, Army, Navy, Air Force?
No?
Prison guard?
Trades want apprentices if you’re willing to tolerate sexual harassment
There’s always part-time retail 🙂
And, point blank, I’d rather blow my brains out
Than work in an office
Not that we have any of those here
My coach and mat-mates said and said and said
Just quit so we can make you a cage fighter
Let us set you loose, you’re our Beast
But I said, no, I wish to retain my fine motor skills
Goddamn it, I am a craftsman
Who do you think made all them baby blankets
And the Very Big Grown Up Boy Quilts
With hand embroidered barbells and woofs
My Jiu Jitsu wife beamed like a proud mother
When she informed me our coach told the entire bar I was big hearted
But
Sipping an Iced Lavender London Fog at a trendy new coffee shop
ISA study guide with dust devils and tumbleweeds all rabble-rouse at glance
An Insta-gullet: pink walls, rattan lamps, checkered floor, plastic succulents
Stiff velvet furniture with metal legs
Circle K circling the drain across the sun buckled highway
Then raw BLM desert degraded
A pregnant tweaker dead in the crosswalk just the other day
When a truck sped up to blow the light
“Accident”
Crumpled memorial taped to the streetlamp
Formative relational trauma
Is the study of what wasn’t
You have to know what you don’t know
Define the invisible
Why you tuned our wrong, defective, Other, wondering
Why it’s so much easier for all of them
There’s no broken bones or bruises there’s just
Or I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
Later later later later later
Read the directions, ask someone else
What do you mean you stole the car because we wouldn’t help you learn?
It’s just three miles you can walk
If you get hot jump in the river
I don’t remember that
Oh is that what you think you deserve?
Don’t roll your eyes! I never ask you for anything!
Smack, smack, smack
It’s not my fault you don’t know x y z
You never showed an interest
You have such a nasty temper
You were half a demon
To think all these people call you an angel, hah, you’re so manipulative
I’m ashamed to have you as my daughter
I did everything I could to keep you from getting hurt
You know
It’s the youngest bees that create the Royal Jelly
To rear and sustain a Queen
They’re just girls
Ellas and godmothers
The thorns of innocence and the sacred heart
Compartments and chambers
I just think about that a lot is all
A child
Isn’t meant to be strong
She’s meant to be loved
wyrdwind 