wyrdwind

Teething

As I’ve mentioned, my first word

Was “bite”

And this is what I would say to indicate

That any and every adult in the vicinity

Should feed me a piece of whatever they ate

Like a pushy little bridge troll shaking everyone down

I flatly refused jars of baby slime

Once, when I was slightly older

A waitress reached across the table

And I grabbed her wrist with prison speed and vigor

Because I thought she was trying to take my plate

My brother’s first word was “triangle” followed by “Volkswagen”

Nothing less from the golden boy

Basking in praise

(No judgment, I too adore him)

I did mercilessly tease him for pronouncing wolf “woof”

Just because I could

He had four years and four parents on me in every other arena

(Again, no judgment, I thought his mispronunciation cute)

My second word was “boo”

Because I’d run around half naked

With a Halloween ghost bucket on my head

And jump out at people to “scare” them

Kitten jazz hands

I suppose you could say I’ve always been…

Results oriented

.

Teenagers

My childhood best friend had a younger sister

Who died of a brain tumor so rare

They brought top surgeons to Phoenix and operated for free

So after the funeral

As she sat on her twin bed staring at nothing

Scrying a shitty trailer wall for some sign of a future

While mean grandma, hapless overworked mom, tweaker older sister and tweaker aunt—

Who recently pawned the violin she scraped to afford to buy meth—

Did whatever out there

I put some soft music on

Cleaned and organized her entire bedroom

Then ventured into the kitchen

But for some fucking reason there was a double edged kitchen knife

So I went to put onions

And got blood all in it

A bloodlette

I let her know I tried

She laughed

Bandaged my abused digit

And ate it anyways

The omelette, not the digit

.

Emperor Penguins

Paternal grandma never wanted to be a mother

The deal was, she’d have them, but he’d raise them

One child per instrument mastered

Just to space them out, a deterrent

And, well, they had seven

The only thing my grandpa loved as much as music

Was babies and cute things

Sometimes I think he liked grandma just because she was fussy

She was the type to wear a cherry red bikini

During a time when this was scandalous

And eat raw red meat right out of the package

And chase it with red wine

Lots and lots of wine

Grandpa took me everywhere with him

Made every meal, changed every diaper, cut my constipated shits with a knife

So the toilet would flush

Fed me all his favorite foods from the war

But most especially, strawberry shortcake from scratch and cinnamon toast

Whenever I asked

Grandma and mom did not get along

I explained to my friend once

That she was not the sort of person

Who had patience for weakness or a timid, inarticulate, and fumbling manner

Nor general lack of intelligence

It wasn’t so much malicious intent

As when you force a predator into a tiny enclosure

And deny her adequate sustenance

If you didn’t cower, she’d be satisfied

Law of the jungle and all that

My friend’s eyes did the mama observation crinkle

Looked at me sideways and said

“I think you got a little bit of that”

Observed that neither woman had a single maternal cell in their entire icy bodies despite their differences

That at least if you gave her mom crack, she’d be happy

But not even crack would make my mother happy

Not even crack

And then there’s me, the most loving and nurturing person she’d ever met

Which was so funny

Because it all came from the men

.

Keeper

My good friend from college

She was a percussion major (Music Education) and a delight

We bonded over a shared love of reptiles

Absent moms

And other weird girl subjects

When she discovered it was my birthday

She suggested we go get sushi at the shady location

Super sketch between the plasma bank and Planned Parenthood

Across from the day laborer gathering spot

Plaza’s face literally turned away from the main street in shame

We both had been curious but didn’t want to go alone

Gossiped about our coworkers (also musicians for the most part)

Apparently all tuba kids are loud??

Then we went back to her apartment

And she whipped out an entire array of small sake bottles

Every conceivable type and vintage

Blue bubbly, pink snowy cloudy, green classic acerbic, gold flecked

Unopened

They just kept coming

And I was like girl holy shit why???

No judgment, most people would just be like this is my first edition Charizard

Behold my Pokemon cards

And she said people gave her sake every year for her birthday

Because she studied Japanese in school

Even though not one drop of alcohol had ever passed her lips

But tonight

We would drink them all

She’d never had a suitable occasion before

So her poor boyfriend came home like

Babe are you good, why is the sake out in a big summoning circle

Is it your period again, do I need to go fill your prescription

But nothing amiss, roped him into our historic event shenanigans

At some point he left to bring us only the finest assortment of bizarre convenience store snacks

He’d never seen her quite like this

Wanted to let her laugh, said she didn’t need to get up from the carpet

Finally, after sampling and rating the length of Japan

She presented me with a mummified vampire bat

I shed a weird girl tear

Top five in best birthdays ever

They’re married now

.

Breadwinner

My former boss/current friend got maybe one day off a month

She held down the job and paid all the bills

He stayed home to raise their sons

Per agreement

And on that one day each month, they played DnD

She brought me into the fold once she decided I was on the weird girl level

I’d never played before

Seeing behind the scenes of people’s houses

Is not only one of my favorite parts of Halloween

But an honor when they show you deliberately

Every house has its idiosyncracies

Rules of engagement

Hers had an unfriendly cat, two senior lovebug dogs

And the older son didn’t speak nor did he appreciate eye contact

Noted

He runs around making sounds, that’s normal

If he randomly grabs your hand, breathes on it, and puts his cheek there

Or just pats you whilst looking elsewhere, loosely tethered

It means he likes you and is comfortable

That sort of thing

Laundry piles lurking in otherwise highly organized craft corners

Dirty dishes hulking from sink to cabinet that had been there for

Quite

Some time

They knew I’d been trying to eat my vegetables

Not because I had sensory issues

But because they spoil almost immediately home from the store

Are annoying to prepare, annoying to chew

And don’t justify the calorie expenditure

My potato who art in heaven exempt

So she excitedly offered me her SNAP lettuce

And I was like aww thank you no don’t get up

Shit

Not wanting to stir up atmospheric resentment

I simply grabbed the lettuce out of the drawer

Rinsed it and took bottle of ranch

Sat back down and ate it like an apple

Nonchalant

As our group battled on, the final fight

Against a dragon

Had me as the last woman standing

Two-swords half-orc barbarian aggro tank

I rolled a nat 20 for both weapons on my final attack

Victory, the crowd went wild, we didn’t wipe

Then

I said is this a boy or a girl dragon

A…boy???

Does he have balls?

I…guess??

I cut them off, gonna make a backpack 🙂

Uh…roll dexterity 😀

My guy was sweat-inggg

Years later, in a big city where both parents absolutely needed to be working

He wasn’t

And neither was their house clean

And this time, she was making too much money for SNAP

But not enough to survive

We were texting continuously as we always did

Streams of consciousness, open tabs

My chat lines are more like umbilical cords

That I use to keep track of everyone

You know almost none of my female friends have ever met each other

But they know each other because I catch everyone up as if they’re present

I’m like Wi-Fi

Objects in space

We’re here, I promise

Anyways, there was nothing left

But a box pancake mix and water

So instead of applying for positions at the listings presented on his computer screen

As every shelf and cabinet emptied

He was making pancakes

And she was sobbing in the hobby cave fighting a bipolar manic wave

So I sent a DoorDash driver on an epic quest

To deliver a loaf of garlic bread, a large rotisserie chicken, a block of cheese, and a bottle of red

To my friend specifically ASAP, I know it’s late

That food is for her hands only, I don’t care if you have to jump fences, be rude, or lie

Last foot bust down the Safeway door two seconds before close like the Kool-Aid Man

Will tip

And this absolute madman townships away rose to the occasion

This guy got it done, went above and beyond

All the stars

He knew exactly what was going on

The second her husband opened that door

Trick or treat bitch

And as my friend hid in her cave receiving proper nourishment

Her husband got Big Mad

But remained impotent

And I was like enjoy those pancakes champ

And that driver was all, I got u girl, my pleasure

Threw that shade free of charge

Understood the fucking assignment

.

Red State

Well you get what you get

When you switch condom brands in a pinch on vacation

And to be quite frank

There was vastly insufficient inspiration

To entertain his genetic contribution to my eggs

To be fair, that’s zero worthy men to date

Anyways

I told her immediately, booked arrangements in the next state

And she drove five hours with her grandmother’s cast iron, the good tortilla still warm, immersion blender, dried chiles and freshly butchered meat

An adult diaper just in case

For my big day

Carne adovada, her favorite family recipe

To replenish my iron as I shed my uterine lining

Couldn’t have me getting anemic

Taught me how to tandem finger weave a purple friendship bracelet

Brought paper stock so we could cut, build, and bind dream journals

Red wine

Until I passed a… crotch snot blob roughly the size of an avocado pit but squish

No thanks

Later, she’d recall cooking with that same grandma to me via our constant texts

The only bright spot of her childhood in the New Mexico desert

I never pressed her for details about her past

She was homeless at sixteen and clinically dead twice

And I left it at that, I’ll ride for any girl gone through it

You do not need to explain

I know well enough when it was Bad

As she cleaned the combined hoard of both elders after her grandfather passed

A rat infested compound wreathed in car debris

Where once had been her grandmother’s black irises

Let me know that I should know

That when she found an intact rat corpse in a bucket

She sat there for at least an hour trying to figure out how best to dissolve its flesh

So she might present me with its pristine skeleton

When she pulled the printed phone records for that period

Because her husband cheated

98% of the text logs was just us

.

Breaking Bad

I sent a picture to their moms—

Five-foot, scrappy, Hot Mom identical twins—

Their boys busy at their stations in the kitchen

Cooking up, assembling tacos

My plate heaping with tender pork, green salsa, minced cabbage, pico and queso fresco

One of them peeping back every so often to see if I’d finished the first round

Their abuelo had founded a popular taqueria in Mexico

So I’d been told, quite often, by both of them

Neither of their mothers spoke English

But they responded with profuse emoji hearts

Their handsome little boys, if I’m translating correctly

To be clear, not a single soft word or affirmation would ever be uttered to their faces

The moms would however pinch or punch their sons’ shoulders so hard as to leave marks

And open-hand slap my thighs like a cat bapping water

Just to watch them do the meat jiggle and say “wow”

Once, his mother unloaded groceries in front of him

And brought out a pink infant onesie while maintaining aggressive eye contact

Words are overrated

Until they’re not

Such as when I was—shock—working 10pm closing shift

But this time I was there with two whole coworkers

And lads, the cramps were kicking my ass

Assailed with stupid questions and snotty middle class entitlement

Bent double with an ache like a blunt spoon scooping pumpkin guts

I texted him to bring me garlic-salted tatertots, nuts, chocolate, and ibuprofen

Because I had Eddie Brock on one shoulder and Venom on the other

Every time some Reagan-loving boomer presumed to speak

And I would not be finishing this shift without incident

Forgot about it, going about my business

When my boss goes PSST

Sweating like menopause in polyester at the beach

White

I was like damn bruh, you look about as good as I feel

Did you eat the dairy again, you know you’re not supposed to, we talked about this

And he was like <_< … >_> … and hurried me hither

Act natural

By now I was all son why are we having a clandestine meeting in the scrapbooking section

Consider my interest piqued, mischief engaged

He handed me a brown paper bag

My dinner had arrived

Then he cleared his throat and squeaked

I don’t care what you’re into, but could you maybe not do it at work

Or wait until I’m not here

?????

Slowly pulled an unmarked dime bag with ibuprofen out of his pocket staring straight ahead

Boy what

OH

I cleared the air, alleviated his confusion

Laughing so hard I forgot to hurt

He didn’t realize that was my boyfriend

And when that man stepped out of his vehicle and zeroed in on him

And asked if he worked here

He almost said “No,”

Turned around and left

I Don’t Get Paid Enough For This Shit

Crying, I was all thanks for supporting my enterprise man

He stammered and jittered my dad was a state trooper, I’m not a snitch

Sometimes I forget, it’s just like how boys responded to the existence of My Dad

Tell me yours left without telling me yours left

And I’m blindsided by their distress like

Thas just my horsie why you scare

.

Mamafishes

She texted me midday having decided to do a crab boil on a whim

Remembered I’d never partaken

Plastic rolled out on the table, big casserole dish

All girls in attendance

The no-passion no-standards prodigal ho daughter

(Who left her newborn with a stranger at a party house so she could fuck some other girl’s baby daddy and do drugs)

Her friend

(Quiet, low SES)

And the responsible and high maintenance youngest

(My favorite)

Shirtless baby in the high chair up from a nap

Steaming pile of spiced and buttered crab legs

Whole potatoes filling and uncomplicated, soft glistening jammy-center eggs, corn on the cob, shrimp

Dipping juices

Snapping, breaking, crunching, sweet flesh spread and sucked

Technical difficulty for my girl with the eyelashes and fancy claws

Who shyly studied my bare face when she thought I wasn’t looking

Baby focused intently on my corn technique

Set down her unsatisfactory cloth toy

To viciously nub on bumpy hardened plastic for relief

Mama didn’t smile or speak

Youngest fired low comments at the oldest, tone unintentionally caustic

She can’t help it, so I chimed in with some flair

Put a different spin on it, well received

Laughter, increased confidence and conversation

The more vigorously the oldest enjoyed the feast

The more chilly her mother became

Until she scolded her with needless intensity about using her teeth to open the legs

They look exactly the same

She can’t help it, so I made comment to the other two

Designed to soften impact on the left

And redirect aggression

Complimented her cooking, ventured further inquiry

Nobody showed Potato affection

(The baby’s nickname, I ate all the ones on the table)

As I collected dishes and cleaned up, I remembered to her

How her children would automatically deposit everything they couldn’t finish on my plate

And how she’d sample her own cooking so frequently that she was full by the time dinner was ready

They never sat together because she was always in the kitchen

She’d agreed, long ago, when I suggested

Though finances wouldn’t have allowed this

That her oldest would have thrived

With her mother’s undivided attention

Single and celibate

What I didn’t say

Was that she got pregnant after her brother’s death

So they would have something in common

.

Boys

Fun fact

A woman lifts heaviest and longest

During her follicular and ovulation phases

When both estrogen and testosterone are highest

Increasing recovery speed and nutrient availability

And maximizing force production

As I’m sure you’re aware, this is also when she is most fertile

Can males sense this?

Well

Consider this 200 lb professional boxer shuffling his feet just now

Asking me about “that guy” I used to “run wit”

Who he’s scarcely spoken to, but suddenly wants to know

About that time he was in the hospital

But not before I pointed out we are not together anymore

Which he is well aware, because we have not been seen together for years

Vaguely gesturing at his midsection in the region of his recent discomfort

You think there’s something wrong with…your appendix?

Uh…yeah

Don’t think I haven’t noticed his likewise sudden interest in herbs and…health

Turning up at my place of business

Over here tryna play doctor

Consider also

The gaggle of tweenagers set upon my specific dark corner of the giant empty power rack

Flipping around, doing pull-ups, trying to flex legs

But one of mine is stronger than both of theirs

So they abandon that tactic in favor

Of tossing their hair like ponies and exposing their trim bellies

Just tryna eat hot Cheetos out of my gym bag with chopsticks and chalky hands in peace

Scoot my kombucha away from their scampering

Sigh

Best I could ever hope for was a tolerable stage hand

My Ex put chalk on my deadlift bat between sets and backed away no comment

Racked my weights when I finished without being a creep about it and I says

This guy is good at staying out of my way

Refrains from being an annoyance

But the hard truth of it is

Nothing fucks you quite like filthy bass alone in the gym

Smashing a PR like it owes you money

I have very normal feelings about music

This place is a bit like a convent

All this manflesh babyslop and not a drop of nutrition

Nothing to sink my teeth into

Call it saving myself for Aengus

My girls and I used to hit the bags

Rapid high kicks to reinforce fast twitch

Unilateral speed and control

I’m a grappler at heart and think strikers are fools but

This is primarily to ensure I don’t have to drop my gin or my beef stick at the club

When some loser needs to spit blood and see tweety birds

Only one kinda KO status been interested in

Has to go somewhere if they can’t meet you in your mind or bed, always outta their depth

And only last like fifteen minutes before they get scared

Doc Martens matching every one of my slouchy mohair sweater dress

Lightly ruched or cinched

Plant my feet, full hip extension, no riding up unless I want that

I like to be ready for what the night brings

Forget everything

You thought you knew

About how a mommy and a daddy go together

Like started wings and frightened chitter

Shot from their nest at a secret hour

The sky black as a yawning mouth

Got him by the Adam’s apple

A gentle suck

All cozy sensitive semi-public at first then

Frantic

My bouncing laughter thrown back

Tight little hips slapping so hard there’s pink

Phantom promises whenever I sit for days

His legs buckle from the strain

Hold my baby bird flush to his station

Fingers splayed panting like a knife to the ribs

Forehead pressed to my traps, composing himself

Just like that, oh

Why aren’t you a man?

It’s enough to drive a girl to violence

Really milk some octaves

Sigh

Tell you what about a muse

She’s a predator

Have you sloppy on the finish

She’ll rip your innards out either end

Like a Queen bee fucks a drone to death

That’s your wailing soul dripping down her legs

Say goodnight papa

And if you’re very good

If you’re…enough

She’ll lay down a kingdom

Off all that sweet and sticky sound

Keep that comb full to burst

And the best part of being human

Is she can do that over and over and over again

Really put some miles on him

No pressure

Not everyone’s cut out for a nuptial flight

Do a lil dance, swim around the lake three times

And abscond with your prize

But carnage is my preferred canvas and mama has…stamina

I am, shall we say

Results oriented