Teething
As I’ve mentioned, my first word
Was “bite”
And this is what I would say to indicate
That any and every adult in the vicinity
Should feed me a piece of whatever they ate
Like a pushy little bridge troll shaking everyone down
I flatly refused jars of baby slime
Once, when I was slightly older
A waitress reached across the table
And I grabbed her wrist with prison speed and vigor
Because I thought she was trying to take my plate
My brother’s first word was “triangle” followed by “Volkswagen”
Nothing less from the golden boy
Basking in praise
(No judgment, I too adore him)
I did mercilessly tease him for pronouncing wolf “woof”
Just because I could
He had four years and four parents on me in every other arena
(Again, no judgment, I thought his mispronunciation cute)
My second word was “boo”
Because I’d run around half naked
With a Halloween ghost bucket on my head
And jump out at people to “scare” them
Kitten jazz hands
I suppose you could say I’ve always been…
Results oriented
.
Teenagers
My childhood best friend had a younger sister
Who died of a brain tumor so rare
They brought top surgeons to Phoenix and operated for free
So after the funeral
As she sat on her twin bed staring at nothing
Scrying a shitty trailer wall for some sign of a future
While mean grandma, hapless overworked mom, tweaker older sister and tweaker aunt—
Who recently pawned the violin she scraped to afford to buy meth—
Did whatever out there
I put some soft music on
Cleaned and organized her entire bedroom
Then ventured into the kitchen
But for some fucking reason there was a double edged kitchen knife
So I went to put onions
And got blood all in it
A bloodlette
I let her know I tried
She laughed
Bandaged my abused digit
And ate it anyways
The omelette, not the digit
.
Emperor Penguins
Paternal grandma never wanted to be a mother
The deal was, she’d have them, but he’d raise them
One child per instrument mastered
Just to space them out, a deterrent
And, well, they had seven
The only thing my grandpa loved as much as music
Was babies and cute things
Sometimes I think he liked grandma just because she was fussy
She was the type to wear a cherry red bikini
During a time when this was scandalous
And eat raw red meat right out of the package
And chase it with red wine
Lots and lots of wine
Grandpa took me everywhere with him
Made every meal, changed every diaper, cut my constipated shits with a knife
So the toilet would flush
Fed me all his favorite foods from the war
But most especially, strawberry shortcake from scratch and cinnamon toast
Whenever I asked
Grandma and mom did not get along
I explained to my friend once
That she was not the sort of person
Who had patience for weakness or a timid, inarticulate, and fumbling manner
Nor general lack of intelligence
It wasn’t so much malicious intent
As when you force a predator into a tiny enclosure
And deny her adequate sustenance
If you didn’t cower, she’d be satisfied
Law of the jungle and all that
My friend’s eyes did the mama observation crinkle
Looked at me sideways and said
“I think you got a little bit of that”
Observed that neither woman had a single maternal cell in their entire icy bodies despite their differences
That at least if you gave her mom crack, she’d be happy
But not even crack would make my mother happy
Not even crack
And then there’s me, the most loving and nurturing person she’d ever met
Which was so funny
Because it all came from the men
.
Keeper
My good friend from college
She was a percussion major (Music Education) and a delight
We bonded over a shared love of reptiles
Absent moms
And other weird girl subjects
When she discovered it was my birthday
She suggested we go get sushi at the shady location
Super sketch between the plasma bank and Planned Parenthood
Across from the day laborer gathering spot
Plaza’s face literally turned away from the main street in shame
We both had been curious but didn’t want to go alone
Gossiped about our coworkers (also musicians for the most part)
Apparently all tuba kids are loud??
Then we went back to her apartment
And she whipped out an entire array of small sake bottles
Every conceivable type and vintage
Blue bubbly, pink snowy cloudy, green classic acerbic, gold flecked
Unopened
They just kept coming
And I was like girl holy shit why???
No judgment, most people would just be like this is my first edition Charizard
Behold my Pokemon cards
And she said people gave her sake every year for her birthday
Because she studied Japanese in school
Even though not one drop of alcohol had ever passed her lips
But tonight
We would drink them all
She’d never had a suitable occasion before
So her poor boyfriend came home like
Babe are you good, why is the sake out in a big summoning circle
Is it your period again, do I need to go fill your prescription
But nothing amiss, roped him into our historic event shenanigans
At some point he left to bring us only the finest assortment of bizarre convenience store snacks
He’d never seen her quite like this
Wanted to let her laugh, said she didn’t need to get up from the carpet
Finally, after sampling and rating the length of Japan
She presented me with a mummified vampire bat
I shed a weird girl tear
Top five in best birthdays ever
They’re married now
.
Breadwinner
My former boss/current friend got maybe one day off a month
She held down the job and paid all the bills
He stayed home to raise their sons
Per agreement
And on that one day each month, they played DnD
She brought me into the fold once she decided I was on the weird girl level
I’d never played before
Seeing behind the scenes of people’s houses
Is not only one of my favorite parts of Halloween
But an honor when they show you deliberately
Every house has its idiosyncracies
Rules of engagement
Hers had an unfriendly cat, two senior lovebug dogs
And the older son didn’t speak nor did he appreciate eye contact
Noted
He runs around making sounds, that’s normal
If he randomly grabs your hand, breathes on it, and puts his cheek there
Or just pats you whilst looking elsewhere, loosely tethered
It means he likes you and is comfortable
That sort of thing
Laundry piles lurking in otherwise highly organized craft corners
Dirty dishes hulking from sink to cabinet that had been there for
Quite
Some time
They knew I’d been trying to eat my vegetables
Not because I had sensory issues
But because they spoil almost immediately home from the store
Are annoying to prepare, annoying to chew
And don’t justify the calorie expenditure
My potato who art in heaven exempt
So she excitedly offered me her SNAP lettuce
And I was like aww thank you no don’t get up
Shit
Not wanting to stir up atmospheric resentment
I simply grabbed the lettuce out of the drawer
Rinsed it and took bottle of ranch
Sat back down and ate it like an apple
Nonchalant
As our group battled on, the final fight
Against a dragon
Had me as the last woman standing
Two-swords half-orc barbarian aggro tank
I rolled a nat 20 for both weapons on my final attack
Victory, the crowd went wild, we didn’t wipe
Then
I said is this a boy or a girl dragon
A…boy???
Does he have balls?
I…guess??
I cut them off, gonna make a backpack 🙂
Uh…roll dexterity 😀
My guy was sweat-inggg
Years later, in a big city where both parents absolutely needed to be working
He wasn’t
And neither was their house clean
And this time, she was making too much money for SNAP
But not enough to survive
We were texting continuously as we always did
Streams of consciousness, open tabs
My chat lines are more like umbilical cords
That I use to keep track of everyone
You know almost none of my female friends have ever met each other
But they know each other because I catch everyone up as if they’re present
I’m like Wi-Fi
Objects in space
We’re here, I promise
Anyways, there was nothing left
But a box pancake mix and water
So instead of applying for positions at the listings presented on his computer screen
As every shelf and cabinet emptied
He was making pancakes
And she was sobbing in the hobby cave fighting a bipolar manic wave
So I sent a DoorDash driver on an epic quest
To deliver a loaf of garlic bread, a large rotisserie chicken, a block of cheese, and a bottle of red
To my friend specifically ASAP, I know it’s late
That food is for her hands only, I don’t care if you have to jump fences, be rude, or lie
Last foot bust down the Safeway door two seconds before close like the Kool-Aid Man
Will tip
And this absolute madman townships away rose to the occasion
This guy got it done, went above and beyond
All the stars
He knew exactly what was going on
The second her husband opened that door
Trick or treat bitch
And as my friend hid in her cave receiving proper nourishment
Her husband got Big Mad
But remained impotent
And I was like enjoy those pancakes champ
And that driver was all, I got u girl, my pleasure
Threw that shade free of charge
Understood the fucking assignment
.
Red State
Well you get what you get
When you switch condom brands in a pinch on vacation
And to be quite frank
There was vastly insufficient inspiration
To entertain his genetic contribution to my eggs
To be fair, that’s zero worthy men to date
Anyways
I told her immediately, booked arrangements in the next state
And she drove five hours with her grandmother’s cast iron, the good tortilla still warm, immersion blender, dried chiles and freshly butchered meat
An adult diaper just in case
For my big day
Carne adovada, her favorite family recipe
To replenish my iron as I shed my uterine lining
Couldn’t have me getting anemic
Taught me how to tandem finger weave a purple friendship bracelet
Brought paper stock so we could cut, build, and bind dream journals
Red wine
Until I passed a… crotch snot blob roughly the size of an avocado pit but squish
No thanks
Later, she’d recall cooking with that same grandma to me via our constant texts
The only bright spot of her childhood in the New Mexico desert
I never pressed her for details about her past
She was homeless at sixteen and clinically dead twice
And I left it at that, I’ll ride for any girl gone through it
You do not need to explain
I know well enough when it was Bad
As she cleaned the combined hoard of both elders after her grandfather passed
A rat infested compound wreathed in car debris
Where once had been her grandmother’s black irises
Let me know that I should know
That when she found an intact rat corpse in a bucket
She sat there for at least an hour trying to figure out how best to dissolve its flesh
So she might present me with its pristine skeleton
When she pulled the printed phone records for that period
Because her husband cheated
98% of the text logs was just us
.
Breaking Bad
I sent a picture to their moms—
Five-foot, scrappy, Hot Mom identical twins—
Their boys busy at their stations in the kitchen
Cooking up, assembling tacos
My plate heaping with tender pork, green salsa, minced cabbage, pico and queso fresco
One of them peeping back every so often to see if I’d finished the first round
Their abuelo had founded a popular taqueria in Mexico
So I’d been told, quite often, by both of them
Neither of their mothers spoke English
But they responded with profuse emoji hearts
Their handsome little boys, if I’m translating correctly
To be clear, not a single soft word or affirmation would ever be uttered to their faces
The moms would however pinch or punch their sons’ shoulders so hard as to leave marks
And open-hand slap my thighs like a cat bapping water
Just to watch them do the meat jiggle and say “wow”
Once, his mother unloaded groceries in front of him
And brought out a pink infant onesie while maintaining aggressive eye contact
Words are overrated
Until they’re not
Such as when I was—shock—working 10pm closing shift
But this time I was there with two whole coworkers
And lads, the cramps were kicking my ass
Assailed with stupid questions and snotty middle class entitlement
Bent double with an ache like a blunt spoon scooping pumpkin guts
I texted him to bring me garlic-salted tatertots, nuts, chocolate, and ibuprofen
Because I had Eddie Brock on one shoulder and Venom on the other
Every time some Reagan-loving boomer presumed to speak
And I would not be finishing this shift without incident
Forgot about it, going about my business
When my boss goes PSST
Sweating like menopause in polyester at the beach
White
I was like damn bruh, you look about as good as I feel
Did you eat the dairy again, you know you’re not supposed to, we talked about this
And he was like <_< … >_> … and hurried me hither
Act natural
By now I was all son why are we having a clandestine meeting in the scrapbooking section
Consider my interest piqued, mischief engaged
He handed me a brown paper bag
My dinner had arrived
Then he cleared his throat and squeaked
I don’t care what you’re into, but could you maybe not do it at work
Or wait until I’m not here
?????
Slowly pulled an unmarked dime bag with ibuprofen out of his pocket staring straight ahead
Boy what
OH
I cleared the air, alleviated his confusion
Laughing so hard I forgot to hurt
He didn’t realize that was my boyfriend
And when that man stepped out of his vehicle and zeroed in on him
And asked if he worked here
He almost said “No,”
Turned around and left
I Don’t Get Paid Enough For This Shit
Crying, I was all thanks for supporting my enterprise man
He stammered and jittered my dad was a state trooper, I’m not a snitch
Sometimes I forget, it’s just like how boys responded to the existence of My Dad
Tell me yours left without telling me yours left
And I’m blindsided by their distress like
Thas just my horsie why you scare
.
Mamafishes
She texted me midday having decided to do a crab boil on a whim
Remembered I’d never partaken
Plastic rolled out on the table, big casserole dish
All girls in attendance
The no-passion no-standards prodigal ho daughter
(Who left her newborn with a stranger at a party house so she could fuck some other girl’s baby daddy and do drugs)
Her friend
(Quiet, low SES)
And the responsible and high maintenance youngest
(My favorite)
Shirtless baby in the high chair up from a nap
Steaming pile of spiced and buttered crab legs
Whole potatoes filling and uncomplicated, soft glistening jammy-center eggs, corn on the cob, shrimp
Dipping juices
Snapping, breaking, crunching, sweet flesh spread and sucked
Technical difficulty for my girl with the eyelashes and fancy claws
Who shyly studied my bare face when she thought I wasn’t looking
Baby focused intently on my corn technique
Set down her unsatisfactory cloth toy
To viciously nub on bumpy hardened plastic for relief
Mama didn’t smile or speak
Youngest fired low comments at the oldest, tone unintentionally caustic
She can’t help it, so I chimed in with some flair
Put a different spin on it, well received
Laughter, increased confidence and conversation
The more vigorously the oldest enjoyed the feast
The more chilly her mother became
Until she scolded her with needless intensity about using her teeth to open the legs
They look exactly the same
She can’t help it, so I made comment to the other two
Designed to soften impact on the left
And redirect aggression
Complimented her cooking, ventured further inquiry
Nobody showed Potato affection
(The baby’s nickname, I ate all the ones on the table)
As I collected dishes and cleaned up, I remembered to her
How her children would automatically deposit everything they couldn’t finish on my plate
And how she’d sample her own cooking so frequently that she was full by the time dinner was ready
They never sat together because she was always in the kitchen
She’d agreed, long ago, when I suggested
Though finances wouldn’t have allowed this
That her oldest would have thrived
With her mother’s undivided attention
Single and celibate
What I didn’t say
Was that she got pregnant after her brother’s death
So they would have something in common
.
Boys
Fun fact
A woman lifts heaviest and longest
During her follicular and ovulation phases
When both estrogen and testosterone are highest
Increasing recovery speed and nutrient availability
And maximizing force production
As I’m sure you’re aware, this is also when she is most fertile
Can males sense this?
Well
Consider this 200 lb professional boxer shuffling his feet just now
Asking me about “that guy” I used to “run wit”
Who he’s scarcely spoken to, but suddenly wants to know
About that time he was in the hospital
But not before I pointed out we are not together anymore
Which he is well aware, because we have not been seen together for years
Vaguely gesturing at his midsection in the region of his recent discomfort
You think there’s something wrong with…your appendix?
Uh…yeah
Don’t think I haven’t noticed his likewise sudden interest in herbs and…health
Turning up at my place of business
Over here tryna play doctor
Consider also
The gaggle of tweenagers set upon my specific dark corner of the giant empty power rack
Flipping around, doing pull-ups, trying to flex legs
But one of mine is stronger than both of theirs
So they abandon that tactic in favor
Of tossing their hair like ponies and exposing their trim bellies
Just tryna eat hot Cheetos out of my gym bag with chopsticks and chalky hands in peace
Scoot my kombucha away from their scampering
Sigh
Best I could ever hope for was a tolerable stage hand
My Ex put chalk on my deadlift bat between sets and backed away no comment
Racked my weights when I finished without being a creep about it and I says
This guy is good at staying out of my way
Refrains from being an annoyance
But the hard truth of it is
Nothing fucks you quite like filthy bass alone in the gym
Smashing a PR like it owes you money
I have very normal feelings about music
This place is a bit like a convent
All this manflesh babyslop and not a drop of nutrition
Nothing to sink my teeth into
Call it saving myself for Aengus
My girls and I used to hit the bags
Rapid high kicks to reinforce fast twitch
Unilateral speed and control
I’m a grappler at heart and think strikers are fools but
This is primarily to ensure I don’t have to drop my gin or my beef stick at the club
When some loser needs to spit blood and see tweety birds
Only one kinda KO status been interested in
Has to go somewhere if they can’t meet you in your mind or bed, always outta their depth
And only last like fifteen minutes before they get scared
Doc Martens matching every one of my slouchy mohair sweater dress
Lightly ruched or cinched
Plant my feet, full hip extension, no riding up unless I want that
I like to be ready for what the night brings
Forget everything
You thought you knew
About how a mommy and a daddy go together
Like started wings and frightened chitter
Shot from their nest at a secret hour
The sky black as a yawning mouth
Got him by the Adam’s apple
A gentle suck
All cozy sensitive semi-public at first then
Frantic
My bouncing laughter thrown back
Tight little hips slapping so hard there’s pink
Phantom promises whenever I sit for days
His legs buckle from the strain
Hold my baby bird flush to his station
Fingers splayed panting like a knife to the ribs
Forehead pressed to my traps, composing himself
Just like that, oh
Why aren’t you a man?
It’s enough to drive a girl to violence
Really milk some octaves
Sigh
Tell you what about a muse
She’s a predator
Have you sloppy on the finish
She’ll rip your innards out either end
Like a Queen bee fucks a drone to death
That’s your wailing soul dripping down her legs
Say goodnight papa
And if you’re very good
If you’re…enough
She’ll lay down a kingdom
Off all that sweet and sticky sound
Keep that comb full to burst
And the best part of being human
Is she can do that over and over and over again
Really put some miles on him
No pressure
Not everyone’s cut out for a nuptial flight
Do a lil dance, swim around the lake three times
And abscond with your prize
But carnage is my preferred canvas and mama has…stamina
I am, shall we say
Results oriented
wyrdwind 